Make ME Smile!!

Make Me Smile

FEELING MISERABLE !!!!!

This random page offers something completely FREE and great for your health and well being, smiling and laughter.

50 Shedsof Grey

The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.

Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The
book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the
bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden
was the only place for a good shed.


She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.


Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of
ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.


"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos
in the shed roof."


"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"


I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.


"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."


"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't
be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.


"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.



 

AHHH!
There is always ONE!

11 people on a rope!

Happy Face!

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE 
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

 10 men and 1 woman. 

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

 

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . . . . . 

Exam Answers to make you cringe!!

No matter how far our exams are dumbed down, it seems it's not far enough for today's pupils. But rather than admit defeat in the face of tricky questions, some decide to take a more creative approach to their answers. After scouring exam papers and speaking to teachers, humourist Richard Benson has collected the worst student howlers in a new book.

 

What was sir Walter Raleigh famous for?

He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles

What did Mahatma Gandhi and Gengis Khan have in common?

Unusual Names

Name one of the Romans' greatest achievements

Learning to speak Latin

Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic

Two polar bears, Four seals

How does Romeo's character develop throughout the play?

He doesn't, it's just self, self, self all the way through.

Name the wife of Orpheus whom he attempted to save from the underworld

Mrs Orpheus

Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom

What happens during puberty to a boy?

He says goodbye to childhood and enters adultery

 

State the 3 drawbacks of hedgerow removal

  1. All the cows will escape
  2. The cars drive into the fields
  3. There is nowhere to hide

What is the meaning of the words 'varicose'?

Close by

What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?

Maria Carey

Explain the phrase 'free press'

When your mum irons your trousers for you

Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause you ill health?

Because you might walk into it.

Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand alone system. What is a stand alone computer system?

It doesn't come with a chair.

Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60feet per second and the speed limit is 40mph. Is Steve speeding?

He could find out by checking his speedometer.

Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines

You get electricity faster.

What is a vibration?

There are good vibrations an bad vibrations. Good Vibrations were discovered in the 1960's

The race of people known as the Malays come from which country

Malaria 

Wives and Husbands

Love and marriage

You have two choices in life.
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________ 

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another -
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.' 


__________ 

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds.
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing.
'You can have mine.' 

__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. 

 __________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.' 

__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.' 

__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then it was too late.' 

__________ 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.. 

__________
  
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all..

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.' 

__________ 

'A Woman's Prayer.
Dear Lord, I pray for :-
Wisdom - to understand a man, to love and to forgive him.
Patience - for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength then I'll just beat him to death' 

________________________________

Husband says:   When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says:   I clean the toilet.
Husband says:   How does that help?
Wife says:   I use your toothbrush

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery...............................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.................................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.............................What doctors do when patients die.
Benign............................. ......What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section.........A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan............................ .....Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize.........................     Made eye contact with her.
Colic.............................  A sheep dog.
Coma.............................    A punctuation mark.
Dilate.......................... To live long..
Enema............................   Not a friend.
Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula..........................      A small lie.
Impotent........................Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain...................    Getting hurt at work..
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.............................  A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................    I knew it.
Outpatient......................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis..........................       Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.............. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room................ Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..........................Nearly killed him.
Secretion......................    Hiding something..
Seizure.......................Roman emperor.
Tablet...........................     A small table.
Terminal Illness.............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.........................      One plus one more.
Urine...........................  Opposite of you're out.

 SILLY SAYINGS

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 
 
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still. 
 
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 
 
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 
 
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 
 
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
 
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 
 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 
 
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 
 
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
 
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 
 
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me. 
 
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.' 
 
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. 
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 
 
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 
 
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 
 
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
 
21. A backward poet writes inverse. 
 
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 
 
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 
 
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

 

Actual Letter send to Government

This is an actual letter!!

NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARKFARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT



Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR



16 July 2009



Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.  I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.
 

Yours faithfully,
 
 
Nigel Johnson-Hill

 

Irish Ballerina!

Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.  
 

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.  

 

But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'  

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.  She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'  Once again, the same drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
 
The bartender approached the drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!'

The Bathtub Test 


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out.

Do you want a bed near the window?" 

Always look behind you!

It will never happen to me!!
I wonder what she is thinking? Peaceful round here?

Click cloud to see an image of your dream holiday on safari!

Bra fun!

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,'
said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic,

the Salvation Army,

the Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types.. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type
 lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type
 makes mountains out of molehills.' 

 

Unbelievable - Luck!!

How Lucky Do You Feel Today?

Enjoy!

Why middle aged women should stay at home

Catastrophy!

Cats galore!

Little Cock!

-

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

 THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.  
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
 

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED
 CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A  TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

 

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

 

 "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
 

 "WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

 "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

 "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

 

 "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
 

 "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

 "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

PMS - can you add to these?

This IS PMS

Thirteen Things PMS Stands For:


1.  Pass My Shotgun

2.  Psychotic Mood Shift

3  Perpetual Munching  Spree

4.  Puffy Mid-Section

5.  People Make me Sick

6.  Provide Me with Sweets

7.  Pardon My Sobbing

8.  Pimples May Surface

9.  Pass My Sweat pants

10.  Pissy Mood Syndrome

11.  Plainly; Men Suck

12.  Pack My Stuff

and my favourite one :

13.  Potential Murder Suspect

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